[Archive Tuesday] THE TEN COACHELLA COMMANDMENTS

(Originally published on Helloooooo.com April 14, 2009)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Hipsters: Coachella is almost upon us. With that, there are certain responsibilities and acceptable behaviors that one must abide by when attending The Festival of All Festivals. Count your blessings because the Commandments below are ten years in the making from the same folks who brought you the Ten BBM Commandments. Also, if you have not started starving yourself yet, then by all means go get yourself the largest cup of Ultra-Extreme-Columbian coffee 7-Eleven sells, kick your feet up, and pay close attention. Without further ado, Gilberto, Shok and The Doc present The Ten Coachella Commandments…

1. Never ever let your friends convince you to put down the $5,000 security deposit on your rental home. All the “I promise to pay you back”‘s in the world will not magically take money out of your friends’ bank and land it into your over-drafted account. (Side note: If you are renting a home from a family by the name of ‘Zimmerman,’ return your deposit and tell them to go fuck themselves — trust).

2. Don’t tell anybody you have bought your ticket or even done anything that would remotely suggest that you have your plans figured out…this could put you in a position to figure out their plans too.

3. Don’t be seen in the “Beer Garden” — people might think you are broke, the recession has affected you, and you cannot afford VIP.

4. Be cautious when taking the biggest SUV among your friends down to the concert; though you will get the most bang for your buck (read: Artist Parking Pass), you can expect a great deal of arguing as either a) one of the 12 people in the car’s ecstasy wears off, b) one friend wants to stay for Felix the Cat (who?), or c) you are lucky enough to be with one of “those” people who can only use hotel toilets.

Gilberto’s 2006 Coachella Ho

5. Don’t be caught dead putting “House of Hype” as your blackberry status — even if you are staying there.

6. Don’t forget to fill up your house’s kitchen with the basics: Gatorade (orange, obviously), tequila, flour tortillas, cheese, water, Crown, club soda, Doritos (red), eggs, cold cuts, and of course beer (for those annoying “how do I know you?” guests who roll up empty-handed).

7. If any of your friends is adamant that they are not going to Coachella, they for sure are going. If they call you in the days before the festival, they for sure are trying to “crash on your couch.” Our advice: Don’t answer their calls or open their BBMs. Again — trust.

8. Don’t complain about the line-up and how three years ago was soooooo much better. Shut the fuck up, put on your American Apparel tee, and enjoy the show. And while you are it, for the love of God don’t come to the event at 3 and think you are coming fashionably late…everybody knows not to come before 6.

9. Ladies, this one is for you. It is not OK, under any circumstances, to think that it is cool to wear cowboy boots in the 110-degree desert weather. No, you are not in Austin and the amount of bacteria that is cultivating inside your shit-kickers is probably enough to kill a small village. Or at least the entire Sahara Tent.

10. And last but not least, don’t ever trust any friend who tells you he can make you a VIP or Artist wristband. That might have worked back in the day (aka 2001)…but those days are long gone, Mr Greenberg. Also, don’t bother showing up to the event without an Artist Parking Pass. You might as well not buy a ticket and spend Coachella in the parking lot listening to your eight-track player, watching your fellow ragged commoners.